To My Ex- Best Buddy

All my memories of us are full of fun and excitement. You’ve been my best buddy and greatest confidant. You were always there for me, and even when we fight or even when I mess up, I know you’ll still be there for me. I can almost tell you anything.. everything under the sun. There are times when I hate myself for being myself. For thinking this way, for acting this way. But you’re always there to remind me that I’m good I’m awesome and it’s totally fine to act crazy sometimes. Even when everyone’s against me, I know I’m never completely alone because you’d be there to stand beside me, you’d side with me I know. I’m sure.

We had more years of fun times together with all our other friends. We’d grown closer and closer to each other. It’s like you’ve become part of my family. You’ve seen all my quirks and my randomness. And I really like how our mind’s connect. How we laugh about the same things and how we understand what each other’s thinking without having to actually say it. Yah, we really got that connection. And I’ll always always be thankful for having you to count on during my rough days. If I didn’t have you there to listen to all my drama I wouldn’t know what to do anymore. You were like my real life journal, ready to listen, no judging. And I love you, you know. I love you because you’re the best buddy one can ever ask for. I love you and I know you love me too. I just didn’t know that somehow you also like me.

I can’t believe you actually like me. Seriously, I didn’t see that coming. And you telling me about it, I never saw that coming. Really, I was so shocked for Christ’s sake. I didn’t know what to say or how to react and I know I’m such a loser for being like that cause you’re my friend so I really should have just handled it lightly. We should have talked about it. But we didn’t and I think I remember myself saying we should just forget about it. How did you feel, huh? Did you hate me? Did I hurt you? If I did, I am deeply sorry. I don’t know if I messed up big time or I handled the situation well, I don’t really  remember it clearly anymore and I also am not quite sure of what’s the right thing to do. I really thought this matter would just pass by and fade eventually in to the dark corners of nowhere.  That we could just act like nothing happened. But I realize, that moment did something to us and now we’re changed. We’ve changed.

I actually didn’t notice it happening until it’s already too obvious not to see. We aren’t the us we used to be anymore. You aren’t excited to listen to my stories anymore, you don’t even look at me the same way. When something happens to me, you’re the first person I want to tell, but now you don’t seem interested. I feel like I’m bothering you, or you think I’m annoying. And that’s something I never felt before. I can tell you nonsensical stories or we can chat for hours without me ever feeling that one of us is not having fun. We stopped being awesome, you know. We stopped being each other’s best buddy. It hurt me so much at first. I didn’t understand how or why a person can be cold and disconnect from one so easily just like that. Really, I wished someone would make me understand cause I didn’t get it.

You don’t know how much I missed you. Or how depressed I got, knowing I just lost one hell of a fantastic friend. I had to adjust. Had to do things differently from my routine. Had to get used to not having you there to comfort me or make me laugh or tell me everything’s going to be okay. Had to remember I can’t tell you the things that happened to me each day anymore because maybe you don’t care or maybe you don’t have time for it anymore.

At first, I was so desperate to bring back the old us, to fix what has been broken. But I realized, you actually seem happy. You seem fine and I’m just the only one who’s overreacting. So maybe, there’s really nothing wrong. There’s nothing to fix. Maybe we just eventually got tired of each other. Or maybe you just met new friends who were more awesome, more fun, and less drama to be with.

I will always be hoping that one day the spark of our awesome and unbreakable friendship will come back. That someday we can be carefree again and that you can look at me and smile and I can feel that you’re happy you have me. I hope we can be best buddies again. But for now, I’m happy that you’re happy. I’m happy that we still talk to each other every once in a while, hangout, and haven’t become complete strangers to each other. I guess this is how we will be for now. Not strangers, not just acquaintances, but also not friends.

I miss you.

First Escape

a942135dd2d4d24305cd9750acccba7fI just had a bad day. No, yesterday was also a bad day and the day before yesterday was a bad day too. It had been a bad week. A real bad week and it depresses me. I am faced with a hell lot of school works and exams which I am not yet ready for, i got my month old phone’s LCD broken just yesterday, and I am broke. I’ve been crying myself to sleep for two days already for reasons I’d like to keep for myself. I feel like I’m a bomb and I’m about to explode. All these thoughts, these feelings, these heartaches and stress that’s been stored in my heart are weighing me down. So, I decided I should probably start writing again. Writing had always been my escape route. And it is once again.